Life Has Changed

 

Well...

It's been quite a while since I wrote anything for my blog. November 2020 to be exact. It was immediately before my YouTube channel began to pick up traction in late November so I was writing said blog post from a place of defeat and failure. At the time that I wrote that post, I felt like I had failed myself. Mostly due to the fact that after 6 years on YouTube I hadn't really got anywhere and felt like there was something about me that was just doomed to be unsuccessful.

Turns out, I was way in my own head. To the point where I felt like I had no options left other than to give up, let go of my dreams, and pursue something else. Then, out of no where, I got the motivation to push one last time and try something else. I gave it my all and threw myself into it and somehow... it worked. In November we went from our usual of 25,000 views in a month to 600,000. Absolute madness. I continued to push hard knowing I'd made a big discovery about what I was capable of. In December that 600,000 became 1.3 million, in January 1.6 million, in February 2.6 million and as of the 17th of March, we're currently standing at 1.6 million this month. This is absolute madness. Never in my wildest dreams would I have imagined that I would finally be living the dream I always knew I wanted to. It always felt like a pipe dream, like something I would never be able to achieve. Six months ago I felt lost and powerless, and in just a short few months I'm self employed running my own business and getting to do the job of my dreams. I don't know what I did to deserve this other than work insanely hard every single day as best as I could. I grew up being told that if I fail, as long as I can confidently say I tried my best, there was nothing more that could be expected. So that's what I did. I tried my best. And it worked.

So here I am, writing once again for this blog, but now from a very different place. A place of confidence and fulfilment. There's still a long way to go to continue diversifying what I have built so far and to keep encouraging growth wherever I can, especially as a person. But right now I feel very content (while still hungry to keep working and achieving) and it's one of the nicest feelings in the world. Feeling as though I have achieved something by myself purely due to my hard work without the help of others is an incredible feelings. Of course I had advice and encouragement from close friends who are also in the space or just in my life in general, and at the beginning a little help with editing etc, but knowing the main bulk of work, the main reason I am succeeding right now is due to my hard work... well, that feels wonderful.

People always tell you that you can achieve anything you set your mind to. I guess they're right.

Today I had a long day but it was a day filled with accomplishment. I finished my work early enough to focus on some passion projects (primarily this blog) as well as taking my cat to the vet for neutering (which admittedly left me with a lot of anxiety throughout the day) and even some time to head outside for some fresh air.

A little walk in the forest always calls for a quick photograph.

While outside I often try to find good spots to take pictures. I don't go outside nearly enough and certainly don't leave my comfort zone enough. So whenever I do head out, I like to try to take some pictures while I'm there. This being one of them.

I didn't actually start my day thinking about blogging. Lately I don't feel like I'm good at telling cohesive stories. I'm so tired all of the time that most of the things I write or vlog end up being ramblings that are all jumbled up and out of order. I guess sometimes that's not always a negative thing but I admit even I stop and look over or think over what I've written or said and think "what on earth was that?". That's been pretty common lately. I mean, I feel like I've flip-flopped between conversation topics in this blog post as well. In reality it's probably due to me not actually writing or vlogging for so long that I have so much to tell everyone and feel like I need to blurt it all out at once. For the sake of letting my brain have a break after a very long day, here's another picture taken from today.

I imagine by now you're wondering what my plan is with this blog. In honesty, it was always intended to be a place for me to blurt out my inner emotions and just talk freely about whatever rubbish is in my head. I intend on still utilizing it for that when and if I have the time to write. For when I do, I hope you will enjoy my posts. If not, that's fine too! But here are my inner-ramblings as always for you to enjoy or not, whatever floats your boat!

Any whodily. I've been typing for far too long and I've completely lost my train of thought, and my marbles, at least seven times at this point. I think here is a good place to call it.

Thanks for reading as always. See you next time.

Bea :)

Life Won’t Wait

 I couldn’t sleep tonight. So I felt that perhaps now was a good time for an update, or rather, a mind dump of my recent thoughts. 

Life has swept me away lately. I feel as though much more deeply than I ever had realized. I became so swept away that it felt more like I was being controlled by my life versus my life being mine to control. This year has been filled with work, development and finding myself. I feel as though I’m always looking for the latter, though. I never truly discover who I fully am. Perhaps I’m destined to discover that later in life, or never. Only time will tell.

2020 has taught me some very valuable lessons. I’m sure many of us can say the same. This year has truly tested us all for so many reasons. It has left many of us feeling helpless, scared, afraid of both the known and the unknown. This year has been a very hard slog, which is why I’m very thankful we will soon see the back of it. It’s funny, though. I feel as though I’ve said this for years. I couldn’t wait for 2016 to end, then 2017, then 18 and 19. We spend so long wishing for the future and wishing our lives would advance faster that sometimes we almost forget to live. Sometimes we forget that our days are numbered and that the future will come but the past won’t return. I think sometimes we forget that life won’t wait for us.

I think that’s been the toughest lesson I’ve learned this year. That life isn’t going to wait for me. It will always be 5 steps ahead. It doesn’t matter how much I try to chase it, it’s always going to be in front of me, so why am I so afraid of falling behind? Why am I so terrified of not being able to keep up if I simply never will be able to? If we need a break, we should take one. If we feel we can’t keep up, we should stop and slow down until we feel the strength to chase again. If life is always going to be ahead then taking a break will surely make no difference? That’s one thing I feel I’ve learned this year. If I need a day of rest, I’ll take one, so that I can resume the life chasing once I’m well-rested, because by not taking that break, I won’t be a few steps ahead. Instead I’ll be prone to fall back later.

This year I really started to put my dreams first. My aspirations ahead of me. I placed my goals in the forefront of my mind and I’ve been working day in and day out to achieve them. Many people have said I’ve overworked or that I am still, but I’m not sure those people fully understand what having a dream entails. Either that, or they care and just don’t see that I can’t be someone who sits by and sees my dreams pass me by. I believe that if I work hard my dreams are reachable and so that is what I do. Every day. Because then I can never tell myself I didn’t try my best if it doesn’t work out. 

Things have begun to change, though. I’ll be beginning hormones soon. My channels are doing better than they’ve ever done in my entire YouTube career. I’m feeling proud of myself for the first time in a very very long while. It’s a nice feeling.

What is the purpose of this post you might ask? Honestly. I have no idea. I think I just wanted my inner thoughts out on paper. 

Ultimately.  This year I learned a valuable lesson. That life won’t wait. If you don’t start living it soon, it isn’t going to change a thing except make you feel negative for not doing so and I truly feel if there’s something you’ve been holding out to do, something you want to tell someone, an action you’re desperate to do. I suggest you seek out the things you need to in order to complete it.

Life won’t wait for you, and once it passes you by it’ll be much more complicated to complete the things you hope to. If I learned anything this year it’s the power of the friendship of good people, my own strength and my ability to keep going and the supportive of people all working together for a common goal.

I hope you are all well, sorry for the mind up. Go seek out some life and live a little 💖

Everything Has To Change

 

This is one of those posts I've struggled to write for so long despite knowing that one day I would need to. I've struggled so much with finding the words but I think, finally, now is the time to try.

Please bear with me!

As many of you will know, I've spent a lot of the last 6 years creating content. Ever since the start of my basicallybea YouTube channel, I've essentially done nothing but create content from the get go. Every single day of my life, through the end of my teen years, as I entered adult life, through my exams, teacher training course, you name it. Through all I've done since I was 15 years old, YouTube and Twitch have been a part of it in some way.

I've spent a lot of the last year or so pretending it's still 2016, and that I can still push myself to my absolute limits creating butt tons of content left right and center and still get away with it even now, with a full time job and then some, with all of the content just being on top of it. The simple reality is, I'm spread too thin. That affects everything I do because I can't give any of my content 100% of my attention because I'm constantly being pulled from place to place. Over the last few years my channels have undergone changes, experiments, different content types, you name it. I was always trying to see what things did best where and when. It was hard, but I did find something on basicallybea that would go on to be successful but I never actually focused it like I should have. More on this soon.

It is time for change. It's time for a total re-evaluation of everything I'm doing and to re-prioritize what really, actually matters. 

So, from here on out, from this moment on, go by the assumption that all content I was creating is now officially CANCELLED. Here's what I mean by this.

I had too many things going on. Too much to do and it was overwhelming. It started to feel like the only solution would be to tear everything from the ground up and replace it. And that's basically what I'm going to be doing, So, from now on, this is my content plan. This is what will be going on from hereon out. Anything not mentioned you should assume I am now done with.

BasicallyBea YouTube:

My basicallybea channel had a chance. I found something that was successful but I never harnessed it. It's no secret to any long-term viewer that my resource packs, tutorials etc all did the best on this channel. My desire to be a commentary creator led me to push that away and not work more on what I was actually good at and seeing results from. That being said, from the time you're reading this article, our experiment with the drawn thumbnails is now over, as is the experiment posting over types of content minus one Among Us video we have scheduled already. After that, I'm going to really focus on bringing my tutorials, texture packs and more to the internets and focus on the content that really does work for me and the channel. I realise if you like bedwars etc you may feel sad but that brings us on to...

BasicallyBea Twitch:

My Twitch is basically going to be exactly what it is now. The new stream time seems perfect and you guys can play Bedwars with me. It's not lost from my content rotation, just found elsewhere. The streams will beg the same wacky crazy time we've been having with the same schedule, so yay!

BeaPlays:

This is and will continue to be a channel of no pressure. Me just posting random videos with my friends for fun. We just mess around and do dumb stuff the whole time. The videos on this channel are edited by an editor (Steve) so I don't need to worry about them, just drop the footage and away we go.

BeaPlays Roblox:

My Roblox channel is growing really well right now. I have it completely disconnected it from the rest of my brand for privacy and to keep the kids that watch it safe from swearing and things like that. This channel is also handled by editors (Waffwl, Elliott and Harvey) which again means I just have to send raw footage and then carry on with work or whatever it is I'm doing. Thank you so much for the support oner there, by the way!

Bea Elizabeth (& BeaBabbles): 

The last is my favorite and probably now my main venture. My vlog channel. It has a ton of trans-related content coming up. I want to take you completely with me on my transition journey with medication etc. I think it'd be amazing to get to share that with you and I know as a teen it'd have melt the world to me. BeaBabbles nicely comes off from my vlog channel and allows me to debate and add more opinions in for most topics. BeaBabbles is being mass recorded and will be live very soon on Spotify and Apple Podcasts.

I'm sorry everything has been so all over over the years. I've changed so much to try new things. But now, I've found genuine success with the texture packs etc on basicallybea YouTube and my Twitch is doing really well right now. I finally feel a sense of direction and by saying everything is STOPPED and cancelled, and starting totally afresh with all of this written down feels so much less stressful and far more productive.

I hope you followed all of that okay. I'm genuinely so excited to finally feel in control and I can't wait to see what we come up with. Thanks for reading all, and I did write this super late so if there's anything that doesn't quite make sense or have correct spelling, I'm sorry!

tl;dr: We are stopping all content creating, re-evaluating and starting again fresh. It's like a brand new Bea for the end of 2020 and I know that this is the right choice for me. Hopefully when 2021 is ending, I'll be able to say it worked.

Thank you all for your support. I love you!

Bea x

Let's talk

Over the last few years, I've met and known many people. I've been creating content for six years. Six.

In that time, YouTube, the internet, social media, has all changed so many times that it is almost unrecognizable. There is, however, one thing that always remains consistent. The drama.

For some reason, most groups of people when online seem to feel they have "right". Specifically, the right to be friends with certain people, or be involved in certain things, no matter their actions, they feel they shouldn't be denied that right.

Over the last year especially, a lot of changes have happened with my events, my organized events particularly and my friendship groups or the circles of content creators I work with. I have ceased relationships with people who brought negativity to my life, and at the same time, we have removed people from events who were not following rules or were in general, being nasty.

These people, almost always, take these actions and twist them. They turn them into YOU being the issue to avoid taking responsibility for their actions. This has happened a lot in the last 6 months. People have blamed me, quite regularly, for various issues, things dating back as far as 2016.

No matter the effort you make to escape past mistakes, or past choices, it would appear once people have made their mind up about you they are not going to allow it to drop.

I want it to be explicitly clear that my only goal has always been and always will be to support my fellow creators, be there for people who deserve it, and spread what I believe to be a positive and helpful mindset. I actively try to involve people, especially smaller creators in my events. Sometimes this is proven to be a mistake and we have to reverse that choice, sometimes, it's a wonderful choice and great friendships and opportunities are formed.

I will first and foremost not apologize for controlling who I spend time with or who I allow to participate in my events. I want them to be helpful, kind and pleasant. Not filled up with hate-filled people who bring nothing but salt and anger.

Secondly, I won't apologize for choosing to remain friends only with people who lift me up and make me feel good. I, and nobody else should be forced to be friends with someone who makes them feel sad.

Lastly, I especially won't allow people who exploit moments where I am weak or vulnerable and use them as a method to drag me down or make me seem like a bad person, when I know I am not, to be in my life.

The last few months have very much felt like a "lets get everyone who doesn't like Bea together and bring her down on Twitter as best as we can". To all of you, I would like to highly suggest you move on with your lives. Allowing yourself to be so caught up with what I am doing with my life will simply eat away at yourself and your happiness. You're wasting your time by being consumed by hate and in reality, it's sad that you are so wired into your social media drama that you can't see a world outside of it.

When I turn off my computer, I return to a life with my family and my friends. In a lovely country village, with beautiful landscapes and gorgeous scenery. You may be shocked to realize that my life doesn't revolve around Minecraft because it would appear that you, sadly, do not share this revelation.

Going forward, I will simply block, mute and ignore anyone who is taking time out of their day to specifically bring me down. And, to those who don't like me, whatever your reasons, I will not try to convince you otherwise. Instead, I would suggest you do what I do when I don't like someone and ignore them, don't seek them out and pay no mind to what they're doing. It's far more healthier for you if you stop indulging yourself in the hatred you feel for someone else.

I am trying to focus on being a good person in 2020, celebrating my new job, improving my life and focusing on stability alongside making my friends happy. Please allow me to try to better myself as a person and stop dragging up reasons I am not a good person from the 16 year old version of myself, or worse, by pretending you haven't done anything wrong when you are, just like me, a human being who also makes mistakes and is just trying to learn how to fit comfortably into this world.

Thank you.

Fall

Fall

For anyone who knows me, even just slightly, they'll know that Fall is my favorite season. I feel as though I spend the rest of the year consistently consumed with my want for Autumn to be back again. I hate heat, I hate being hot. I'm not a fan of sleeping when it's still light outside or being woken up by the sun rising too early. The bugs, insects, spiders... there's really nothing about spring/summer that I like.

This year didn't help with that. As you likely already know if you read my blog, it's been a really tough year. Easily the toughest I've ever personally experienced. It's taken a lot of time, effort, medication and more to drag myself to a position where I can at least get out of bed and just keep going every day. As the seasons change, I can definitely feel the benefit Fall has on my mental state. Right now I've really been trying to focus on the things I love about Fall, and about this time of year as a whole. I'm trying really hard to focus on things that make me feel positive, spending time with friends and just in general doing things that make me feel happy.

One of the biggest changes I've made lately is definitely to my activity levels. I've always been very lazy and not had the energy to change that, nor have I ever really wanted to. But for a long while now, I've been actively walking at least two miles every single day, as well as some short exercises that I can do from home. I've been sleeping a lot better and eating better and as a whole it feels like I've made some wonderful progress towards being healthier and happier.

One of the pictures I've taken on my walks recently.

I do feel like things are improving. There are still days and times where I feel really low, sure. But things are definitely in a far better place than they were 6 months ago. In reality, I mainly have my friends to thank. I feel as though without them, I'd have given up and stopped trying. I'm incredibly grateful for them for encouraging me to keep going, to keep trying, and for reminding me that I'm a good person who deserves to feel okay. Every day they dedicate so much time to me, and I am so insanely thankful for them.

I'd like to say that by Christmas I'll be a-okay, but I know that there's no time limit on these things. I'd also love to be able to guarantee I won't ever return to the place I've been in but I know that is unreasonable. There's always going to be days when I feel very low, or desperate, or days where I just need some extra love. But with the support of my friends, family and the connections I've made I feel far better off than I ever did. It's nice to not feel so alone.

Thank you for being so patient with me and standing by me while this year has progressed. It's truly been one of the hardest of my life and I will be glad to see the back of 2019. Thankfully, I met and became close to most of my friends this year and they have become the most important people in my life. That, and that alone is worth replacing every memory from this year with happy ones I've experienced with my friends.

I will end this year remembering positive and happy memories about my wonderful friends, and those alone are enough to fill the holes left behind from the unfortunate things that have happened this year. 

Thank you once again for reading. Talk to you again soon.

Bea x

Life and Friendships

Hi everyone,

Hope you're doing well today.

Life is pretty crazy. No matter how hard it can be, the world keeps spinning, and life keeps going on. Lately, I've been feeling a lot like everyone's lives keep going on while I stand still and watch them move. I feel like I've been put on pause, but everyone around me is still progressing. It's the strangest feeling in the world and it's definitely one I wouldn't wish on anybody else.

I'm spending most of my days wondering, how do people do it? How do they get up every single day, do the same daily routine, move on through almost the same daily experiences, and still seem okay? They still seem happy, capable, strong. Meanwhile, getting out of bed is damn near impossible for me right now. I find myself constantly wishing I could be somewhere else, be someone else, be closer to my friends etc. I feel like my friends are the only thing in my life right now that is good. Everything else is so difficult, so tiring and leaves me completely drained. Without my friends I feel like I'd have nothing right now.

It's so strange. I feel like any time I've felt this low I've got myself out of it fairly quickly, yet this time, it's been almost a year and hasn't improved. I feel completely lost without purpose, with no plans for the future and no real prospects. I wouldn't wish this feeling on anybody.

I am seeking help, and I can only hope that it improves with time. I am trying to remind myself that these things take time, and tell myself that eventually, it will get better, but it's so hard. It's almost impossible to stay positive and keep believing in myself and my ability to make it better eventually.

I just continue to be so grateful for my friends. So, so grateful. They make everything so much better. They give me so much purpose, especially when I feel like I have almost none. I have the best group, and the most incredible best friend in the world. I wish I knew what I did to deserve them, but whatever it was, I am forever grateful.

All I can say is to remember to tell the people you love that you love them, as often as you can. You never know what they're experiencing and it can completely change their day around just to know you're thinking about them.

Thank you for bearing with me through all of this. I'm trying hard to not let it affect my content and my presence online, but it's really hard to be positive when you feel so low so often.

Just gotta keep pushing on.

A Long Day

I realised my Twitter was starting to become a bit full of  "negative nancy" mode so I felt that perhaps it would be more appropriate to put down my thoughts in a place where it's optional to read them. If you're here, to opted to read them. Hi!

Today has been a funny kind of day, one that was funny enough to justify writing about it. For the last sort of, 5 or so days, I thought that things were starting to improve. I started eating better again, sleeping fully, feeling quite happy and content with myself, even if not 100% positive, I felt mostly okay. I suppose I led myself into a false sense of security.

Today has been yet another hard, hard day. Consistent nausea has plagued me and my ability to even move, never mind get anything useful done. It took consistent attempts to get out of bed until finally, at around 5pm, my body decided to allow me some peace from feeling like I would vomit at any moment.

I have felt on the edge of tears for almost the entire day, had no appetite, and have been totally unable to complete even the most basic of tasks. What do you do when this happens? Lie down and take it? Try to fight it? Or just wait until the day ends? It feels damn near impossible to get through it. It feels like my life has stopped completely still while everyone else moves on and progresses around me. I feel consumed by a consistent dread, persistent darkness that cannot be evaded and refuses to be stopped.

It's absolutely horrible. I even feel like a bad person because my friends are incapable of making me feel better, when they absolutely should be. I'm consumed by paranoia that they'll become tired of me and my sadness and no longer want to deal with me. It feels like a constant dread, constant fear of loneliness, even if I'm not actually lonely. How do you combat it?

Today had an even larger setback when I was discharged from therapy due to missing an appointment from the sickness that I was feeling. Ouch. Now I have to go through the entire referral process again and start completely again.

I feel lost in what can only be described as an ocean of emotions, drifting further away from reality, trying to grasp onto something that will stabilise me. Then, I feel like just talking about this makes me weak. Writing it down, airing my issues to the entire world. But I feel stuck. I just want to feel normal again. I just want my bubbly self, whom you all say was funny and exciting to be around, to come back.

Where has she gone?

Here's hoping for a future where I can be nearer the people who make me smile each day. It's so tough to be so far from all of my friends. To feel so close and yet be so far away. Tears my heart up.

Sorry for the negativity as always. Thought it'd be better now since you don't have to see it plastered all over your Twitter.

Bea