Let's talk

16 January, 2020



Over the last few years, I've met and known many people. I've been creating content for six years. Six.

In that time, YouTube, the internet, social media, has all changed so many times that it is almost unrecognizable. There is, however, one thing that always remains consistent. The drama.

For some reason, most groups of people when online seem to feel they have "right". Specifically, the right to be friends with certain people, or be involved in certain things, no matter their actions, they feel they shouldn't be denied that right.

Over the last year especially, a lot of changes have happened with my events, my organized events particularly and my friendship groups or the circles of content creators I work with. I have ceased relationships with people who brought negativity to my life, and at the same time, we have removed people from events who were not following rules or were in general, being nasty.

These people, almost always, take these actions and twist them. They turn them into YOU being the issue to avoid taking responsibility for their actions. This has happened a lot in the last 6 months. People have blamed me, quite regularly, for various issues, things dating back as far as 2016.

No matter the effort you make to escape past mistakes, or past choices, it would appear once people have made their mind up about you they are not going to allow it to drop.

I want it to be explicitly clear that my only goal has always been and always will be to support my fellow creators, be there for people who deserve it, and spread what I believe to be a positive and helpful mindset. I actively try to involve people, especially smaller creators in my events. Sometimes this is proven to be a mistake and we have to reverse that choice, sometimes, it's a wonderful choice and great friendships and opportunities are formed.

I will first and foremost not apologize for controlling who I spend time with or who I allow to participate in my events. I want them to be helpful, kind and pleasant. Not filled up with hate-filled people who bring nothing but salt and anger.

Secondly, I won't apologize for choosing to remain friends only with people who lift me up and make me feel good. I, and nobody else should be forced to be friends with someone who makes them feel sad.

Lastly, I especially won't allow people who exploit moments where I am weak or vulnerable and use them as a method to drag me down or make me seem like a bad person, when I know I am not, to be in my life.

The last few months have very much felt like a "lets get everyone who doesn't like Bea together and bring her down on Twitter as best as we can". To all of you, I would like to highly suggest you move on with your lives. Allowing yourself to be so caught up with what I am doing with my life will simply eat away at yourself and your happiness. You're wasting your time by being consumed by hate and in reality, it's sad that you are so wired into your social media drama that you can't see a world outside of it.

When I turn off my computer, I return to a life with my family and my friends. In a lovely country village, with beautiful landscapes and gorgeous scenery. You may be shocked to realize that my life doesn't revolve around Minecraft because it would appear that you, sadly, do not share this revelation.

Going forward, I will simply block, mute and ignore anyone who is taking time out of their day to specifically bring me down. And, to those who don't like me, whatever your reasons, I will not try to convince you otherwise. Instead, I would suggest you do what I do when I don't like someone and ignore them, don't seek them out and pay no mind to what they're doing. It's far more healthier for you if you stop indulging yourself in the hatred you feel for someone else.

I am trying to focus on being a good person in 2020, celebrating my new job, improving my life and focusing on stability alongside making my friends happy. Please allow me to try to better myself as a person and stop dragging up reasons I am not a good person from the 16 year old version of myself, or worse, by pretending you haven't done anything wrong when you are, just like me, a human being who also makes mistakes and is just trying to learn how to fit comfortably into this world.

Thank you.

Fall

28 October, 2019



Fall


For anyone who knows me, even just slightly, they'll know that Fall is my favorite season. I feel as though I spend the rest of the year consistently consumed with my want for Autumn to be back again. I hate heat, I hate being hot. I'm not a fan of sleeping when it's still light outside or being woken up by the sun rising too early. The bugs, insects, spiders... there's really nothing about spring/summer that I like.

This year didn't help with that. As you likely already know if you read my blog, it's been a really tough year. Easily the toughest I've ever personally experienced. It's taken a lot of time, effort, medication and more to drag myself to a position where I can at least get out of bed and just keep going every day. As the seasons change, I can definitely feel the benefit Fall has on my mental state. Right now I've really been trying to focus on the things I love about Fall, and about this time of year as a whole. I'm trying really hard to focus on things that make me feel positive, spending time with friends and just in general doing things that make me feel happy.

One of the biggest changes I've made lately is definitely to my activity levels. I've always been very lazy and not had the energy to change that, nor have I ever really wanted to. But for a long while now, I've been actively walking at least two miles every single day, as well as some short exercises that I can do from home. I've been sleeping a lot better and eating better and as a whole it feels like I've made some wonderful progress towards being healthier and happier.

One of the pictures I've taken on my walks recently.


I do feel like things are improving. There are still days and times where I feel really low, sure. But things are definitely in a far better place than they were 6 months ago. In reality, I mainly have my friends to thank. I feel as though without them, I'd have given up and stopped trying. I'm incredibly grateful for them for encouraging me to keep going, to keep trying, and for reminding me that I'm a good person who deserves to feel okay. Every day they dedicate so much time to me, and I am so insanely thankful for them.

I'd like to say that by Christmas I'll be a-okay, but I know that there's no time limit on these things. I'd also love to be able to guarantee I won't ever return to the place I've been in but I know that is unreasonable. There's always going to be days when I feel very low, or desperate, or days where I just need some extra love. But with the support of my friends, family and the connections I've made I feel far better off than I ever did. It's nice to not feel so alone.


Thank you for being so patient with me and standing by me while this year has progressed. It's truly been one of the hardest of my life and I will be glad to see the back of 2019. Thankfully, I met and became close to most of my friends this year and they have become the most important people in my life. That, and that alone is worth replacing every memory from this year with happy ones I've experienced with my friends.

I will end this year remembering positive and happy memories about my wonderful friends, and those alone are enough to fill the holes left behind from the unfortunate things that have happened this year. 

Thank you once again for reading. Talk to you again soon.
Bea x

Life and Friendships

23 August, 2019



Hi everyone,

Hope you're doing well today.

Life is pretty crazy. No matter how hard it can be, the world keeps spinning, and life keeps going on. Lately, I've been feeling a lot like everyone's lives keep going on while I stand still and watch them move. I feel like I've been put on pause, but everyone around me is still progressing. It's the strangest feeling in the world and it's definitely one I wouldn't wish on anybody else.

I'm spending most of my days wondering, how do people do it? How do they get up every single day, do the same daily routine, move on through almost the same daily experiences, and still seem okay? They still seem happy, capable, strong. Meanwhile, getting out of bed is damn near impossible for me right now. I find myself constantly wishing I could be somewhere else, be someone else, be closer to my friends etc. I feel like my friends are the only thing in my life right now that is good. Everything else is so difficult, so tiring and leaves me completely drained. Without my friends I feel like I'd have nothing right now.

It's so strange. I feel like any time I've felt this low I've got myself out of it fairly quickly, yet this time, it's been almost a year and hasn't improved. I feel completely lost without purpose, with no plans for the future and no real prospects. I wouldn't wish this feeling on anybody.

I am seeking help, and I can only hope that it improves with time. I am trying to remind myself that these things take time, and tell myself that eventually, it will get better, but it's so hard. It's almost impossible to stay positive and keep believing in myself and my ability to make it better eventually.

I just continue to be so grateful for my friends. So, so grateful. They make everything so much better. They give me so much purpose, especially when I feel like I have almost none. I have the best group, and the most incredible best friend in the world. I wish I knew what I did to deserve them, but whatever it was, I am forever grateful.

All I can say is to remember to tell the people you love that you love them, as often as you can. You never know what they're experiencing and it can completely change their day around just to know you're thinking about them.

Thank you for bearing with me through all of this. I'm trying hard to not let it affect my content and my presence online, but it's really hard to be positive when you feel so low so often.

Just gotta keep pushing on.

A Long Day

31 July, 2019



I realised my Twitter was starting to become a bit full of  "negative nancy" mode so I felt that perhaps it would be more appropriate to put down my thoughts in a place where it's optional to read them. If you're here, to opted to read them. Hi!

Today has been a funny kind of day, one that was funny enough to justify writing about it. For the last sort of, 5 or so days, I thought that things were starting to improve. I started eating better again, sleeping fully, feeling quite happy and content with myself, even if not 100% positive, I felt mostly okay. I suppose I led myself into a false sense of security.

Today has been yet another hard, hard day. Consistent nausea has plagued me and my ability to even move, never mind get anything useful done. It took consistent attempts to get out of bed until finally, at around 5pm, my body decided to allow me some peace from feeling like I would vomit at any moment.

I have felt on the edge of tears for almost the entire day, had no appetite, and have been totally unable to complete even the most basic of tasks. What do you do when this happens? Lie down and take it? Try to fight it? Or just wait until the day ends? It feels damn near impossible to get through it. It feels like my life has stopped completely still while everyone else moves on and progresses around me. I feel consumed by a consistent dread, persistent darkness that cannot be evaded and refuses to be stopped.

It's absolutely horrible. I even feel like a bad person because my friends are incapable of making me feel better, when they absolutely should be. I'm consumed by paranoia that they'll become tired of me and my sadness and no longer want to deal with me. It feels like a constant dread, constant fear of loneliness, even if I'm not actually lonely. How do you combat it?

Today had an even larger setback when I was discharged from therapy due to missing an appointment from the sickness that I was feeling. Ouch. Now I have to go through the entire referral process again and start completely again.

I feel lost in what can only be described as an ocean of emotions, drifting further away from reality, trying to grasp onto something that will stabilise me. Then, I feel like just talking about this makes me weak. Writing it down, airing my issues to the entire world. But I feel stuck. I just want to feel normal again. I just want my bubbly self, whom you all say was funny and exciting to be around, to come back.

Where has she gone?

Here's hoping for a future where I can be nearer the people who make me smile each day. It's so tough to be so far from all of my friends. To feel so close and yet be so far away. Tears my heart up.

Sorry for the negativity as always. Thought it'd be better now since you don't have to see it plastered all over your Twitter.

Bea

A Hard Year (but also great because of my friends)

17 July, 2019

This is the post I've been putting off all year, but I need my thoughts down on paper.

When I started this year, I thought my life was going to change forever.

I was in the process of moving out of my parent's house. I was building bridges into a new, more exciting life with more independence. I was buying things for my own home, planning my future, getting excited about silly things like candles and bath bombs. I was enjoying my job, mostly. I was, however, very distant from a lot of my close friends because of how busy I was. It started to feel a little lonely.

For all intents and purposes and for whatever reasons involved, naturally, the house move fell through in its final stages. I had to move everything back to my parent's home. Everything I had planned, all of the money put into it, everything I had done and my family had done for me, ruined and lost.

I felt helpless. I returned home, tail between my legs, feeling like a failure. I still feel like a failure. My poor judgement and inability to avoid jumping the gun and making impulsive choices really messed me up this time, huh?

06 July, 2019

Hi all!

It's been a little while since my last post. I feel really bad!

It's been a really bumpy start to the year and I've struggled with a lot of things. My mental health hasn't been great and I just haven't had the energy to really write any posts.

I thought I'd take a moment to let you know, I'm okay! I'm hoping to be back to blogging soon. Until then, here's some pictures of the makeup look I tried out today for Pride!








Love you all,
Bea x

Huge Life/Content Updates

30 January, 2019


Hi all. Sorry for the late one if you're in the UK, I really wanted to get this out there before I sleep.

As you may know (because I've discussed this on stream, Twitter etc) I have been really struggling with my schedule lately. Over the last few years my active projects have only grew and it's made me feel more and more overwhelmed to the point where around the Christmas period, I just honestly broke. I lost all my motivation, I stopped creating everything and coming back from that has been one of the hardest experiences of my content creation career over the last few years.

February marks 5 years since I started my Minecraft Youtube channel, the one that began this entire crazy life I live in now. It seems fitting that I am making new changes right as my 5 year anniversary approaches.

In 2018 the things I was doing slowly began to become unmanageable. I was producing too much with too little time to make all of it on my own. I'm not a big creator, so most of what I was producing and most of the stress saw no real gain and wasn't really at all beneficial. However, at the same time, the growth across my channels in 2018 was significantly higher across all of my channels than it ever has been. I want to build on that further, but in a way I can manage but mentally and physically.

Here are the changes I'm making, I hope you understand them and don't feel disappointed by any of them.

NO more daily videos (kind of). As you know, at the start of 2018 I stopped uploading daily to my Minecraft channel after about three years of never missing a day (or uploading twice to make up for missed days). This was a big change for me that did scare me because I'd been so used to creating that much content. I actually saw an INCREASE in my monthly views uploading every other day through January and putting more effort into the content than uploading every day in previous months. Therefore, I will be continuing this onwards through 2019.

The reason I say "kind of" not daily, is because I also have my Roblox channel. Rather than uploading every day to both, I am going to alternate the days. It will look something like this:
Mon: Minecraft Vid
Tue: Roblox Vid
Wed: Minecraft Vid
Thu: Roblox Vid
Fri: Minecraft Vid
and so on...
This will literally HALF my workload while still providing you with a video from me every single day. I hope that makes sense.

Events like Flux UHC, Welly UHC and my Minecraft Tournaments will be continuing this year but they won't be as often. There will likely be two to three seasons of each in 2019 as that is much more manageable for me than the amount I was making before. When these events are being uploaded to my channel, due to their "every-other-day" release nature, other content won't go out on the same channel at the same time. I'm not going to pressure myself to create more during these events rather than just enjoy them.

I will still be posting my Weekly Vlogs to my vlog channel (as that is a place for me to just share things creatively without feeling any pressure to edit well, make the videos topical or relevant or push out things that are 'trendy'. I like it that way. I have no desire to change the 'real' feel of that channel.

There will also be random vlogs here and there about LGBT topics, specifically as my own personal transition progresses this year. I am not going to pressure myself to make sure I post lots of content to this channel.

BeaBabbles. My podcast. I've felt all kinda of crazy mixed feelings for it recently. It's really hard to get the guests together for it, but I do want it to still continue but without pressuring myself to upload it regularly. This is just going to become an "as and when" I have time to create it kind of thing. I have too much going on to pressure myself into creating this often. It's not going away, but won't be super regular either. I want to aim to have an episode out per month, but again, I won't pressure myself. I hope that makes sense.

My blog will be similar. I'm only going to post on it when I can. I'm not pressuring myself to create in so many places anymore because I can't cope with the workload. Sorry.

Twitch in 2019 is going to be my baby. It's agoing to be my primary channel and primary focus from here on out. Regular streams, fun events and focusing on growing my Twitch channel is my priority for 2019. If you don't come to my streams, you should! We have a ton of fun and my Twitch community means the world to me. We have already changed our schedule for 2019 so I won't bore you by reciting that.

The entire point of all of this is to make my workload more manageable. Some days at the end of 2019 I was getting up at 6am, doing a 7 hour work shift, coming home, recording and editing straight away, squeezing in time to study my degree, then streaming, then finishing editing/uploading, falling asleep around 1-3am and then getting back up at 6am, and repeat. It's extremely unhealthy and I'm not going to let myself go back to that. I was severely stressed and I truly don't earn enough money from my content to justify literally destroying my health over it.

You have to also remember I am just one person. No editors, no assistants, nothing. I can't afford any of those things so I am doing this totally alone. It can truly be super overwhelming.

All of this being said, I have some insanely exciting up-coming projects that I am so excited to share with you. I'm sure you've all heard the looming mention of a Flux SMP... but we're keeping ALL of that under wraps for now. All I'll tell you is, this project is taking an entire team of people to bring to life. It's gonna be freaking awesome (if I do say so myself).

I love you all! Here's to a (hopefully) productive 2019 where I don't stress myself to the edge of a breakdown like last year. And while I'm here, if you're a creator too, please take care of yourself. Burnout is real. It sucks. Your health must come first. <3