Fall

28 October, 2019



Fall


For anyone who knows me, even just slightly, they'll know that Fall is my favorite season. I feel as though I spend the rest of the year consistently consumed with my want for Autumn to be back again. I hate heat, I hate being hot. I'm not a fan of sleeping when it's still light outside or being woken up by the sun rising too early. The bugs, insects, spiders... there's really nothing about spring/summer that I like.

This year didn't help with that. As you likely already know if you read my blog, it's been a really tough year. Easily the toughest I've ever personally experienced. It's taken a lot of time, effort, medication and more to drag myself to a position where I can at least get out of bed and just keep going every day. As the seasons change, I can definitely feel the benefit Fall has on my mental state. Right now I've really been trying to focus on the things I love about Fall, and about this time of year as a whole. I'm trying really hard to focus on things that make me feel positive, spending time with friends and just in general doing things that make me feel happy.

One of the biggest changes I've made lately is definitely to my activity levels. I've always been very lazy and not had the energy to change that, nor have I ever really wanted to. But for a long while now, I've been actively walking at least two miles every single day, as well as some short exercises that I can do from home. I've been sleeping a lot better and eating better and as a whole it feels like I've made some wonderful progress towards being healthier and happier.

One of the pictures I've taken on my walks recently.


I do feel like things are improving. There are still days and times where I feel really low, sure. But things are definitely in a far better place than they were 6 months ago. In reality, I mainly have my friends to thank. I feel as though without them, I'd have given up and stopped trying. I'm incredibly grateful for them for encouraging me to keep going, to keep trying, and for reminding me that I'm a good person who deserves to feel okay. Every day they dedicate so much time to me, and I am so insanely thankful for them.

I'd like to say that by Christmas I'll be a-okay, but I know that there's no time limit on these things. I'd also love to be able to guarantee I won't ever return to the place I've been in but I know that is unreasonable. There's always going to be days when I feel very low, or desperate, or days where I just need some extra love. But with the support of my friends, family and the connections I've made I feel far better off than I ever did. It's nice to not feel so alone.


Thank you for being so patient with me and standing by me while this year has progressed. It's truly been one of the hardest of my life and I will be glad to see the back of 2019. Thankfully, I met and became close to most of my friends this year and they have become the most important people in my life. That, and that alone is worth replacing every memory from this year with happy ones I've experienced with my friends.

I will end this year remembering positive and happy memories about my wonderful friends, and those alone are enough to fill the holes left behind from the unfortunate things that have happened this year. 

Thank you once again for reading. Talk to you again soon.
Bea x

Life and Friendships

23 August, 2019



Hi everyone,

Hope you're doing well today.

Life is pretty crazy. No matter how hard it can be, the world keeps spinning, and life keeps going on. Lately, I've been feeling a lot like everyone's lives keep going on while I stand still and watch them move. I feel like I've been put on pause, but everyone around me is still progressing. It's the strangest feeling in the world and it's definitely one I wouldn't wish on anybody else.

I'm spending most of my days wondering, how do people do it? How do they get up every single day, do the same daily routine, move on through almost the same daily experiences, and still seem okay? They still seem happy, capable, strong. Meanwhile, getting out of bed is damn near impossible for me right now. I find myself constantly wishing I could be somewhere else, be someone else, be closer to my friends etc. I feel like my friends are the only thing in my life right now that is good. Everything else is so difficult, so tiring and leaves me completely drained. Without my friends I feel like I'd have nothing right now.

It's so strange. I feel like any time I've felt this low I've got myself out of it fairly quickly, yet this time, it's been almost a year and hasn't improved. I feel completely lost without purpose, with no plans for the future and no real prospects. I wouldn't wish this feeling on anybody.

I am seeking help, and I can only hope that it improves with time. I am trying to remind myself that these things take time, and tell myself that eventually, it will get better, but it's so hard. It's almost impossible to stay positive and keep believing in myself and my ability to make it better eventually.

I just continue to be so grateful for my friends. So, so grateful. They make everything so much better. They give me so much purpose, especially when I feel like I have almost none. I have the best group, and the most incredible best friend in the world. I wish I knew what I did to deserve them, but whatever it was, I am forever grateful.

All I can say is to remember to tell the people you love that you love them, as often as you can. You never know what they're experiencing and it can completely change their day around just to know you're thinking about them.

Thank you for bearing with me through all of this. I'm trying hard to not let it affect my content and my presence online, but it's really hard to be positive when you feel so low so often.

Just gotta keep pushing on.

A Long Day

31 July, 2019



I realised my Twitter was starting to become a bit full of  "negative nancy" mode so I felt that perhaps it would be more appropriate to put down my thoughts in a place where it's optional to read them. If you're here, to opted to read them. Hi!

Today has been a funny kind of day, one that was funny enough to justify writing about it. For the last sort of, 5 or so days, I thought that things were starting to improve. I started eating better again, sleeping fully, feeling quite happy and content with myself, even if not 100% positive, I felt mostly okay. I suppose I led myself into a false sense of security.

Today has been yet another hard, hard day. Consistent nausea has plagued me and my ability to even move, never mind get anything useful done. It took consistent attempts to get out of bed until finally, at around 5pm, my body decided to allow me some peace from feeling like I would vomit at any moment.

I have felt on the edge of tears for almost the entire day, had no appetite, and have been totally unable to complete even the most basic of tasks. What do you do when this happens? Lie down and take it? Try to fight it? Or just wait until the day ends? It feels damn near impossible to get through it. It feels like my life has stopped completely still while everyone else moves on and progresses around me. I feel consumed by a consistent dread, persistent darkness that cannot be evaded and refuses to be stopped.

It's absolutely horrible. I even feel like a bad person because my friends are incapable of making me feel better, when they absolutely should be. I'm consumed by paranoia that they'll become tired of me and my sadness and no longer want to deal with me. It feels like a constant dread, constant fear of loneliness, even if I'm not actually lonely. How do you combat it?

Today had an even larger setback when I was discharged from therapy due to missing an appointment from the sickness that I was feeling. Ouch. Now I have to go through the entire referral process again and start completely again.

I feel lost in what can only be described as an ocean of emotions, drifting further away from reality, trying to grasp onto something that will stabilise me. Then, I feel like just talking about this makes me weak. Writing it down, airing my issues to the entire world. But I feel stuck. I just want to feel normal again. I just want my bubbly self, whom you all say was funny and exciting to be around, to come back.

Where has she gone?

Here's hoping for a future where I can be nearer the people who make me smile each day. It's so tough to be so far from all of my friends. To feel so close and yet be so far away. Tears my heart up.

Sorry for the negativity as always. Thought it'd be better now since you don't have to see it plastered all over your Twitter.

Bea

A Hard Year (but also great because of my friends)

17 July, 2019

This is the post I've been putting off all year, but I need my thoughts down on paper.

When I started this year, I thought my life was going to change forever.

I was in the process of moving out of my parent's house. I was building bridges into a new, more exciting life with more independence. I was buying things for my own home, planning my future, getting excited about silly things like candles and bath bombs. I was enjoying my job, mostly. I was, however, very distant from a lot of my close friends because of how busy I was. It started to feel a little lonely.

For all intents and purposes and for whatever reasons involved, naturally, the house move fell through in its final stages. I had to move everything back to my parent's home. Everything I had planned, all of the money put into it, everything I had done and my family had done for me, ruined and lost.

I felt helpless. I returned home, tail between my legs, feeling like a failure. I still feel like a failure. My poor judgement and inability to avoid jumping the gun and making impulsive choices really messed me up this time, huh?

06 July, 2019

Hi all!

It's been a little while since my last post. I feel really bad!

It's been a really bumpy start to the year and I've struggled with a lot of things. My mental health hasn't been great and I just haven't had the energy to really write any posts.

I thought I'd take a moment to let you know, I'm okay! I'm hoping to be back to blogging soon. Until then, here's some pictures of the makeup look I tried out today for Pride!








Love you all,
Bea x

Huge Life/Content Updates

30 January, 2019


Hi all. Sorry for the late one if you're in the UK, I really wanted to get this out there before I sleep.

As you may know (because I've discussed this on stream, Twitter etc) I have been really struggling with my schedule lately. Over the last few years my active projects have only grew and it's made me feel more and more overwhelmed to the point where around the Christmas period, I just honestly broke. I lost all my motivation, I stopped creating everything and coming back from that has been one of the hardest experiences of my content creation career over the last few years.

February marks 5 years since I started my Minecraft Youtube channel, the one that began this entire crazy life I live in now. It seems fitting that I am making new changes right as my 5 year anniversary approaches.

In 2018 the things I was doing slowly began to become unmanageable. I was producing too much with too little time to make all of it on my own. I'm not a big creator, so most of what I was producing and most of the stress saw no real gain and wasn't really at all beneficial. However, at the same time, the growth across my channels in 2018 was significantly higher across all of my channels than it ever has been. I want to build on that further, but in a way I can manage but mentally and physically.

Here are the changes I'm making, I hope you understand them and don't feel disappointed by any of them.

NO more daily videos (kind of). As you know, at the start of 2018 I stopped uploading daily to my Minecraft channel after about three years of never missing a day (or uploading twice to make up for missed days). This was a big change for me that did scare me because I'd been so used to creating that much content. I actually saw an INCREASE in my monthly views uploading every other day through January and putting more effort into the content than uploading every day in previous months. Therefore, I will be continuing this onwards through 2019.

The reason I say "kind of" not daily, is because I also have my Roblox channel. Rather than uploading every day to both, I am going to alternate the days. It will look something like this:
Mon: Minecraft Vid
Tue: Roblox Vid
Wed: Minecraft Vid
Thu: Roblox Vid
Fri: Minecraft Vid
and so on...
This will literally HALF my workload while still providing you with a video from me every single day. I hope that makes sense.

Events like Flux UHC, Welly UHC and my Minecraft Tournaments will be continuing this year but they won't be as often. There will likely be two to three seasons of each in 2019 as that is much more manageable for me than the amount I was making before. When these events are being uploaded to my channel, due to their "every-other-day" release nature, other content won't go out on the same channel at the same time. I'm not going to pressure myself to create more during these events rather than just enjoy them.

I will still be posting my Weekly Vlogs to my vlog channel (as that is a place for me to just share things creatively without feeling any pressure to edit well, make the videos topical or relevant or push out things that are 'trendy'. I like it that way. I have no desire to change the 'real' feel of that channel.

There will also be random vlogs here and there about LGBT topics, specifically as my own personal transition progresses this year. I am not going to pressure myself to make sure I post lots of content to this channel.

BeaBabbles. My podcast. I've felt all kinda of crazy mixed feelings for it recently. It's really hard to get the guests together for it, but I do want it to still continue but without pressuring myself to upload it regularly. This is just going to become an "as and when" I have time to create it kind of thing. I have too much going on to pressure myself into creating this often. It's not going away, but won't be super regular either. I want to aim to have an episode out per month, but again, I won't pressure myself. I hope that makes sense.

My blog will be similar. I'm only going to post on it when I can. I'm not pressuring myself to create in so many places anymore because I can't cope with the workload. Sorry.

Twitch in 2019 is going to be my baby. It's agoing to be my primary channel and primary focus from here on out. Regular streams, fun events and focusing on growing my Twitch channel is my priority for 2019. If you don't come to my streams, you should! We have a ton of fun and my Twitch community means the world to me. We have already changed our schedule for 2019 so I won't bore you by reciting that.

The entire point of all of this is to make my workload more manageable. Some days at the end of 2019 I was getting up at 6am, doing a 7 hour work shift, coming home, recording and editing straight away, squeezing in time to study my degree, then streaming, then finishing editing/uploading, falling asleep around 1-3am and then getting back up at 6am, and repeat. It's extremely unhealthy and I'm not going to let myself go back to that. I was severely stressed and I truly don't earn enough money from my content to justify literally destroying my health over it.

You have to also remember I am just one person. No editors, no assistants, nothing. I can't afford any of those things so I am doing this totally alone. It can truly be super overwhelming.

All of this being said, I have some insanely exciting up-coming projects that I am so excited to share with you. I'm sure you've all heard the looming mention of a Flux SMP... but we're keeping ALL of that under wraps for now. All I'll tell you is, this project is taking an entire team of people to bring to life. It's gonna be freaking awesome (if I do say so myself).

I love you all! Here's to a (hopefully) productive 2019 where I don't stress myself to the edge of a breakdown like last year. And while I'm here, if you're a creator too, please take care of yourself. Burnout is real. It sucks. Your health must come first. <3

My 2019 Goals and Plans

25 December, 2018


So, 2019 is upon us.

Before you read this post, if you haven't yet ready my 2018 Round-Up, do so by clicking here!

Each year, when Christmas is on the way, I start to feel wobbly. I start to wonder and worry about the year that's about to come and fixing the mistakes I made this year and improving on what I started. I get all kinds of crazy and panicked.

As I normally do when I start to feel that way, I sat down with my laptop and began thinking of plans for next year, looking over analytics this year and figuring out what I need to do. I have made decisions, guys! I'm an adult! See! I wanted to share those decisions with you so you can know what to expect from me in my FIFTH year of creating content online. Fifth.

So, here goes!

Vlogs & Blogs

Next year I would like to continue to develop my 'Bea Florie' brand. I am so proud of the separate, 'In Real Life' content I have created and I would like to continue that as a priority next year. I'd like to do more trans vlogs especially, but also more lifestyle, beauty and hopefully travel too!

This year we of course started a weekly vlog throughout the middle of the year. I have looked back over them and decided that despite their faults, especially with my struggle to film during days when I feel down, that I really enjoyed them. Therefore I am really thrilled to say that weekly vlogs will be continuing next year! This time, they will have a TON more content. I want to show off more of my life, try to introduce you more to my family and family life, get over my fear of vlogging in public and let you in a little more in a way that I and my loved ones find comfortable. I am also going to stop worrying about how much or how little I film, stop apologising and just enjoy it and LIVE it. Yay!

Minecraft Gaming Channel

This is of course the one that started them all. Almost five years ago, I sat down and created this channel. It is one of my most successful and, honestly, is my baby. In 2019 I obviously have full intention of continuing to make my Minecraft content. It is, however, going to look a little bit different.

I have decided there is no use in trying to push content I WANT people to like that people just DON'T like when I know I also enjoy creating the content you actually want to see. Therefore, especially for my mental health, I will no longer be uploading every day. Instead, I am going to upload every other day (with the exception of any special events) and the content will be more focused on what you love to see and what I enjoy to create. You may have noticed I've been pushing more silly collabs, such as "Trapping Lana in an Ice Maze", or "Fighting a Tornado with Alexa" (those aren't the actual titles, but close enough). I want to post more of this stuff because you all seemed to love it and I REALLY enjoyed creating it.

I also want to push more UHC because I love filming them, I find them a breeze to edit and you guys just seem to love watching it. ALSO, more of my Minecraft Tournaments since the first season was a HIT!

I hope you share my excitement for the future of this channel!

Roblox Gaming Channel

I'm sure it's no secret to any of you that Roblox has done fantastically well among the kid audiences this year. I am, of course, first and foremost before all of my vloggy, bloggy, streamy content, a children's video creator. My biggest passion lies there and always has. I truly believe the future for me is bright in the Roblox community.
Over the last 6 months since creating my Roblox channel, I have seen extremely positive growth and an entirely new, fresh and separate community has been created. I am really passionate about my Roblox channel in 2019, and therefore the current plan is to take the time I will save from posting every other day on my Minecraft channel rather than daily, and also post every other day on my Roblox channel. If it does well, I may consider daily but for now, every other day is the plan!

Alongside my vlogs/blogs, my Roblox channel is going to be a huge priority for me next year and I really, really want to give it my all. Everyone knows that none of my channels have ever been "big", and that's not my goal. My goal is not to be big. But I do want to feel as though I am successful, because nobody wants to feel as though they've failed.

Next year, my Roblox channel will have a big push. I understand if you don't want to come along with me over there and would rather stick to the channels you're used to, but I am so excited nonetheless and so thankful for those who give it a chance!

I have been writing a roleplay, planning so many videos and throwing my best efforts into this channel for 2019. I am SO excited.

Twitch Gaming Streams

Next year I will of course be continuing my Twitch streams! Overall they have been the most successful thing for me in 2018 and I have every intention to nurture that and continue that growth next year! There will be a few changes, but not many. They are as follows!

Our streaming schedule is changing to Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays from 7pm GMT (UK time) and Sundays from 2pm GMT (which is the same as before).

The weekday streams have been spread out with a day gap in-between to allow me time to get other work done, and to relax and cool off between streams. The weekday streams have also been brought back an hour to allow me to finish at 10pm rather than 11pm and be able to sleep at more reasonable times. This will be a trial. If it doesn't work out, we can go back but I would obviously appreciated if all of you came along to share your love!

Mondays will be our new stream day with Rob which is likely to be mainly our custom Community Server and PvP stuff, Wednesdays will be our Viewer UHCs (BeaHC WILL be back, but the guest(s) are unconfirmed and will be announced when things are finalised). Friday is currently not fully set in stone but will likely be things like Harmony Hollow, or Jackbox Games (as I know you love them!). Sundays are more than likely going to be UHC/PvP days but it's not set in stone yet!

I look forward to next year's streams with you guys! I love getting to communicate with you in real-time!

Social Media

I am going to continue to push my social media in 2019. My Twitter is always random and crazy and the best place to be to know exactly what I'm up to! But I will be pushing my Instagram even further with regular stories, exciting posts and hopefully also a consistent colour theme through the whole thing. I may need to pull in some help for it to help me get it started, lol! I also plan to make some more IGTV videos if people are interested (let me know in the comments, I will reply to them!) and potentially push my Facebook Page? I've never been interested in Facebook, but I have always had an official page for my content. Facebook is putting a lot of work in with content creators right now, so it may be worth it! Drop a like on it by clicking here and I'll love you forever!

That's basically it for content I think! I am so bloody excited for next year and pushing so much more love and effort into my work. I hope you will continue to be there with me throughout the next year.

I love you all dearly and look forward to seeing your names pop up in 2019! Please do drop a comment below, I will reply to all of them!

Happy New Year, thank you for everything.

All my love, Bea x