Burn out, it sucks.

05 October, 2018

Hi everyone, I hope you're doing well!

I know I suck super bad at keeping this blog updated, but I am trying to make more effort and write more things down here. It's a good opportunity for me to be able to write down my thoughts and feelings without having to post it in either 280 characters on Twitter, or find the words to explain it on YouTube or Twitch.

Lately I've been struggling again with that good friend of ours, Mr Burn Out. It seems I tend to come back to my blog whenever I feel meh, since most of my blog posts are about negative things.

Currently, I am working a day job, running three YouTube channels with regular uploads, AND streaming four times per week on Twitch, as well as running my social media accounts. About two months ago, I started to feel really down out of no-where. The feeling of total self doubt would just appear in the middle of daily tasks I'm used to doing all of the time, such as editing, or even mid-livestream. One minute I'm feeling great, shouting at the top of my lungs that I'm under attack, the next I'm slouching in my chair, feeling crap, almost on the verge of tears, and usually absolutely nothing prompts it. It just appears. The classic self doubt that consumes most of us whenever we try to do something we don't feel we're good at.


I've been feeling like my content sucks. All of it. Like what I create isn't worthy of being watched, and I think that is precisely what is causing this intense self doubt that I'm feeling, and in turn, is making me feel so much more stressed, and as a result, burnt out. It's really hard when you love creating content, but feel like your content isn't good enough. It makes you sit in the middle of a recording and think "why am I even bothering with this?" and then suddenly, you don't want to bother anymore. Obviously since the recording has started, you push through it, but the entire time you sound boring and uninterested. That is how I feel all of the time right now.

The biggest solution everyone always gives to being burnt out, is to take a break. But I am terrified of them. I hear so many horror stories about creators taking breaks and totally killing their channels and never being able to repair it, and I love my channel so much, but they already don't perform well. I know it should be about the performance, but I can't help but let it get to me, and the thought of it being worse? I just don't want to think about it. I very rarely praise myself, but I really do work extremely hard to create the content I make, and I refuse to let burn out ruin everything I've achieved. But then with no break, it means I am working while burnt out, which ultimately means more burn out and no time to heal from it.

There's no magical solution, and I don't have a way to end this post on a happy note. I just wanted A. to make you all aware as to how I'm feeling, and B. to write down how I'm feeling, because sometimes I do feel a little better just to have it out of my mind and on paper, even if it is pretend, techno-paper.

I honestly just hope I feel better soon, because I hate how this is eating me away. We'll see though, I suppose. I do have some UHCs coming up which are already pre-recorded, so hopefully that will give me a couple of weeks with less stress to relax a little more.

Thanks for reading, hope you have a good day.

Bea x

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