A Long Day

31 July, 2019



I realised my Twitter was starting to become a bit full of  "negative nancy" mode so I felt that perhaps it would be more appropriate to put down my thoughts in a place where it's optional to read them. If you're here, to opted to read them. Hi!

Today has been a funny kind of day, one that was funny enough to justify writing about it. For the last sort of, 5 or so days, I thought that things were starting to improve. I started eating better again, sleeping fully, feeling quite happy and content with myself, even if not 100% positive, I felt mostly okay. I suppose I led myself into a false sense of security.

Today has been yet another hard, hard day. Consistent nausea has plagued me and my ability to even move, never mind get anything useful done. It took consistent attempts to get out of bed until finally, at around 5pm, my body decided to allow me some peace from feeling like I would vomit at any moment.

I have felt on the edge of tears for almost the entire day, had no appetite, and have been totally unable to complete even the most basic of tasks. What do you do when this happens? Lie down and take it? Try to fight it? Or just wait until the day ends? It feels damn near impossible to get through it. It feels like my life has stopped completely still while everyone else moves on and progresses around me. I feel consumed by a consistent dread, persistent darkness that cannot be evaded and refuses to be stopped.

It's absolutely horrible. I even feel like a bad person because my friends are incapable of making me feel better, when they absolutely should be. I'm consumed by paranoia that they'll become tired of me and my sadness and no longer want to deal with me. It feels like a constant dread, constant fear of loneliness, even if I'm not actually lonely. How do you combat it?

Today had an even larger setback when I was discharged from therapy due to missing an appointment from the sickness that I was feeling. Ouch. Now I have to go through the entire referral process again and start completely again.

I feel lost in what can only be described as an ocean of emotions, drifting further away from reality, trying to grasp onto something that will stabilise me. Then, I feel like just talking about this makes me weak. Writing it down, airing my issues to the entire world. But I feel stuck. I just want to feel normal again. I just want my bubbly self, whom you all say was funny and exciting to be around, to come back.

Where has she gone?

Here's hoping for a future where I can be nearer the people who make me smile each day. It's so tough to be so far from all of my friends. To feel so close and yet be so far away. Tears my heart up.

Sorry for the negativity as always. Thought it'd be better now since you don't have to see it plastered all over your Twitter.

Bea

A Hard Year (but also great because of my friends)

17 July, 2019

This is the post I've been putting off all year, but I need my thoughts down on paper.

When I started this year, I thought my life was going to change forever.

I was in the process of moving out of my parent's house. I was building bridges into a new, more exciting life with more independence. I was buying things for my own home, planning my future, getting excited about silly things like candles and bath bombs. I was enjoying my job, mostly. I was, however, very distant from a lot of my close friends because of how busy I was. It started to feel a little lonely.

For all intents and purposes and for whatever reasons involved, naturally, the house move fell through in its final stages. I had to move everything back to my parent's home. Everything I had planned, all of the money put into it, everything I had done and my family had done for me, ruined and lost.

I felt helpless. I returned home, tail between my legs, feeling like a failure. I still feel like a failure. My poor judgement and inability to avoid jumping the gun and making impulsive choices really messed me up this time, huh?

06 July, 2019

Hi all!

It's been a little while since my last post. I feel really bad!

It's been a really bumpy start to the year and I've struggled with a lot of things. My mental health hasn't been great and I just haven't had the energy to really write any posts.

I thought I'd take a moment to let you know, I'm okay! I'm hoping to be back to blogging soon. Until then, here's some pictures of the makeup look I tried out today for Pride!








Love you all,
Bea x