A Hard Year (but also great because of my friends)

17 July, 2019

This is the post I've been putting off all year, but I need my thoughts down on paper.

When I started this year, I thought my life was going to change forever.

I was in the process of moving out of my parent's house. I was building bridges into a new, more exciting life with more independence. I was buying things for my own home, planning my future, getting excited about silly things like candles and bath bombs. I was enjoying my job, mostly. I was, however, very distant from a lot of my close friends because of how busy I was. It started to feel a little lonely.

For all intents and purposes and for whatever reasons involved, naturally, the house move fell through in its final stages. I had to move everything back to my parent's home. Everything I had planned, all of the money put into it, everything I had done and my family had done for me, ruined and lost.

I felt helpless. I returned home, tail between my legs, feeling like a failure. I still feel like a failure. My poor judgement and inability to avoid jumping the gun and making impulsive choices really messed me up this time, huh?

Around the same time, I got the news that my gender transition was going to be delayed due to a piece of the puzzle being missing in the healthcare process and I had to attend more appointments and what was meant to be the start of the official medical transition in February, became potentially another year or more.

The loneliness started to creep in further.

Next, I stopped communicating with my friends properly. I stopped messaging or calling with them as often. Anyone who knows what it's like to have online friends knows how tough it is to be away, and knows you need to keep up regular contact in order to feel close and not feel lonely. I started to give up. I began to slip.

It's no secret to anyone who follows me on social media that I've been struggling. The extent to which I am I've tried my best to keep private, but it's very hard to. I never thought I'd reach the point where I spontaneously cried on a livestream, or broke down in a video. I feel so sorry that those things happened, even if I couldn't control them.

We've somehow reached a point where I am now not leaving my house, barely eating, barely communicating with anyone and the only people I spend time with right now are my online friends. Thank God for my friends. Honestly. Thank. God. If I didn't have them I would be so alone right now. The time they spend with me, to make sure I don't feel alone, it's madness. I cannot understand how they aren't sick of me yet.

This year has turned out to be nothing like how I had imagined it would be. Everything I expected to come from this year couldn't be further from reality. It's been insanely tough. So much so that I still don't know how to get out of the hole I seem to have tripped and fallen into. But, slowly, my friends are helping me to climb out. And for when they can't help (because they shouldn't ever feel like they have to), I am working with a therapist to hopefully give me the strength to climb out myself.

There is one thing, though. I said I thought this year my life was going to change forever. And while yes, many of the things that happened did not go the way I had hoped, I did become close with not only an incredible group of friends, but I finally, after all of these years, gained a best friend. I think by this point if you haven't seen me mention Logan somewhere, you must be blind. He is easily one of the most incredible people I've ever met.

I get really paranoid about talking about how I feel. Everyone always says that when you're down, you should talk about it. Open up. I always fear that if I do, I will overwhelm people and make them not want to be around me. I have a constant fear that I will be replaced, or left behind. It's a truly horrible feeling I just can't seem to get under control. I'm working on it, and getting there, but it will take time. My friends make an effort to remind me that I don't annoy them. They are always there, and never, ever brush me off. They remind me that they won't leave me, and that I'm a good person, and that I'm okay. For someone who suffers with anxiety like I do, it cannot be put into words how amazing that feels. How incredible it feels to feel like someone loves you as much as you love them. For that, I am forever grateful in so many ways. Every day my brain tells me that people don't love me, or that I will be left behind. It tells me I will one day wake up and my friends will be all gone. My heart tries not to believe it, but it's hard. But when one of my friends tells me how much they love spending time with me, or that they like being around me, or that they miss me, it reminds my heart that my brain is a liar and the feeling of joy I get is just incredible. There are no words I can think of to explain the feeling. It's like Christmas. That's what feeling loved is like. Anyone who knows how it feels to be loved will know what I'm talking about.

So, to my friends if you're reading this. This year did change my life. It changed my life because YOU changed my life. Even though times are very tough right now, you make it so much easier. Being here, holding my hand through these tough times, I am so grateful. I love you so much. 

I will continue to remind you every single day how much I love you. I will continue, at least for a little while longer, to feel afraid that you will leave me one day. But, when you tell me you love me and want to be around me, I promise that I will believe you and that feeling will go away for a while.

To everyone else, thank you for believing in me. Thank you for being patient with me. Thank you for being understanding while I try to figure out whatever is happening in my head. I want to feel normal again. I want to feel happy again. I can only hope that the normality will come back soon.

I am very isolated where I live, in the middle of nowhere. When I stop feeling like a failure and my strength is back, I think I will need to try again. This time, though, I hope to move closer to my good friends so that I know I have a support network.

I love you all so much. I'm so sorry I'm not currently the best version of myself. I can only hope that things will be better soon.

Sorry for the meh blog post mind dump. I needed an outlet, and that's what this blog was for.

Bea x

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